Poem: A gambled dream

I've gambled all.
Did I lose? Did I win?
I'm not selling out!
I'm buying in.

The strangest dream, 
a film I'm in. 
I'm losing it!
I'm done within!

Alone again,
breathe out, breathe in.
How strange is life!
Where have I been?

What happens now?
Whatever will!
I will find out,
I'm buying in!

Do I regret?
I never will!
I've gambled all,
but did I win?

The dark depression
that I've been,
got lighter now
as light came in.

I guess I lost
and I did win.
How strange the world
that I live in.

A dream I had.
Why wake? I cling
to moments of
just peace within.

A gambled dream,
a form of sin.
I have come back
from where I've been.

As time goes on
I change within
accept myself
with all I've been.

An easy life,
is not my thing.
I gave it up,
I'm buying in.

And what will come?
Who knows? I will
live through it all
and fight within.

A fight that I
may never win.
Yet never lose
a gambled dream.

My Life needs more Art

I have been writing a lot of poems lately. It's something new for me and I get a lot of positive energy from writing at the moment. I'll try to turn a few of them to sound files and share them here, so expect some new stuff here soon.

I do this for myself, I don't care if others like what I do. If you don't like it, move on. It's a free world after all. However, if you have valuable input, I'll listen.

I wanna Live! I wanna Love! But it's a long hard Road out of Hell!
-- Marilyn Manson Long hard Road out of Hell


We are all too serious

The last few weeks were one of the most crazy episodes of my life. I have experienced life from so many different perspectives that I lost count. What I learned however, is this: Stop planning, stop being too serious. and stop being too damn grown up. Sure, there are many occasions where you have to be serious and it never hurts to think about the future, but please don't overdo it.

I have made plans all my life. I am usually acting very cautiously and always play it safe. This lead to a situation where chaos and disorder was pretty much removed from my life. It also lead to a lot of boredom and every-day-life that just went on and on as it did. It was sometimes so dull and lifeless that at some point something in me decided that stuff must change.

I gambled with everything I had and loved. I hurt the feelings of many people and behaved extremely egoistic. I did a shitload of things that you just "don't do" and did not give a damn about the consequences.

It was not a well thought out decision, it was not planned and it was totally crazy. It also was the right thing to do and by far one of the best ideas in the last few years. It brought my life into chaos and got me to question things I never thought I would. It got me back into a reality where stuff happens without plans and without control of me. I have set things in motion that have no definite outcome, but the intermediate results are so much better than the initial situation that I am absolutely sure everything will turn out fine.

I let go of most of my long term plans. I don't want them any more, they are way too structured. Life is way too short for all these things. While it's not wrong to aspire to something and to have some goal in life, it's not really necessary either. Life should not be a long term project, it should be easy.

This isn't a game, turn the safety off
--VNV Nation, Tomorrow never comes