2015/07/11

Poem: The Devil is Moving

The devil is moving, it's out of control.
It broke my heart now it is after my soul.
It made me lose all my self control and forced me to endure the worst of it all.

It made me a devil I never wanted to know.
Took me to a dark place in my very own soul.
One day I broke out of it's tight control started a new life without all this sorrow.

The devil is moving but now I'm not alone.
I found an angel, a very kind soul.
It showed me that there is still so much more to know, feelings to share and wonders to behold.

An untainted being without the control,
over my mind, my body and soul.
Accepting my life without prejudice or scorn but showing it's kindness it's trust and it's glow.

The devil I knew is gone and within all
The horrors that came just after the fall.
I learned to hold on to the good things I know, a daughter, a home and the people I know.

The devil is moving, launching another attack.
But this time I'm not the target for its wrath.
A new life can start and feelings now grow, for the angel of kindness, savior of my soul.


2015/07/02

Strange Times

I'm having a rather strange year. Very different to the last one.

While the first half was terrible, in fact the darkest time of my whole life, but the recent past is the complete opposite. I can't remember that I ever had such a positive attitude. My usual mindset was pessimistic and often depressed.

Now, this is a little paradox because I'm in the middle of getting divorced. But I realized it's the right decision. When this is sorted out, I can start working on a new future. If I can be bothered that is. Right now it is good to just live happy, healthy and not have plans.

I am still getting used to feel good. Sounds strange right? But really, I actually never was this way. Maybe a few days or hours at a time, but never this long and never so deep. I can't even tell if this is the way life is supposed to be, I never experienced this.

I am a totally different person now. Most of my world views are still the same but my general attitude against life is the other way around. Right now life is a joy not a drag.

Now, this post might ring a few alarm bells for some people. Chill and let me explain something: Compared to my manic episodes, I can't really be bothered to work around the clock. In fact it's the opposite. I train a little bit more, but only in the weeks when I don't have my daughter. When she is around I don't have time for that. I learn too many languages at once right now. I noticed that and already consider cutting back. Personally, I don't think I'm manic at the moment. Buy keep your eyes open, just in case ;-)
See that? That's me being happy.
I need a witness to my life it wasn't this way all the time
-- Mindless Self Indulgence, Witness

2015/07/01

Poem: The Wild Blossom

It's just a small and fragile thing.
Was born in an unusual spring.
It yearns for summer's tender wind.
It does not care what autumn brings.
The winter made this peaceful thing.

And then the blossom starts to sing.
Oh life, you are a wondrous thing!
Sun on my leaves, now does begin
another tale of grass and green.
Of how I love this tender stream,
the raindrops running down my skin.

Now the wild blossom grows in size.
It is still young but might arise,
might be the mightiest in size!
Or could just grow to normal size.

The gardener has to be tender.
The blossom needs a generous spender.
One that cares and will defend her.
It also needs a lot of time.
And maybe then, the bloom will shine.

2015/06/22

Moving on

So much has changed. The last one and a half years were hard but I pulled through.
I learned a lot about life. Albeit the price for this learning experience was too high.
Our relationship broke, we will get divorced. I think it was broken beyond repair since last year's August.
I just could not accept it. Now I can - I'm ready to move on.
I learned a lot. How to live alone, how to trust less, how it feels to lose all of your future against your will.
How it feels when one of your closest friends betrays you in ways you can't really imagine and can't ever forgive nor forget.

I learned that nothing in life is as important as friends and family that help you through dark times. I would definitely not have made it without you guys.
My friends who provided shelter, moral support and drinking buddies. The people that would listen to my endless rants and take my ailments serious.
You provided help in the darkest time of my life. I am forever in your dept. I don't take all this for granted.

This is a short updated, compared to the last few posts. But it's one that is not written in a depressed mindset for once.
In fact, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin before.

Keep it real.

The hardest day in my whole damn life was the day that I said good bye.
-- Digital Summer, This Time

2015/06/21

This blog needs an update

And I will write one in the near future.

I'm fine. A lot has changed. Life is a roller coaster ride.

2015/03/18

What the hell have I done?

I couldn't control myself. I had another emotional breakdown and ruined a lot again. I have no idea if this damage can ever be repaired.
It's the first time that my sickness got me. I hate myself for not thinking longer before speaking. I wasn't myself and let my broken parts cause havoc.

This might have been the biggest mistake ever. I have no idea if this problem is fixable, and I am the only one to blame.

I hate myself right now. I hate my disease. I cause chaos again, in a time where chaos can ruin everything. I messed with our stability. I am stupid and unstable and I did not want all of this.

I have no idea what to do. Life can be a bitch.

2015/03/11

Comfort

Sometimes you find comfort in strange places.
I reached a new low last week and came out faster and stronger than ever before.
Therapy seems to work better than I acknowledged.

I built a safe inside of me. It's an imagination technique that I learned recently. It holds emotions and thoughts that I cannot handle at the moment.
I put a lot of stuff in there. Things about my past. Things I did wrong. Things from the present.

Last Friday I also put my broken heart in there. It is now safely locked away and I can start to move forward.

I made the conscious decision to do that. I will no longer let my love rule over me. I stop that now, before it overshadows everything that I am.

I finally quit love. It's hard but then again it's easier than I thought. I let go. This does not mean that I don't have hope for my marriage, but there was no point in clinging to something so horribly broken.

Nicole was not ready for a new start. I can't blame her. She was furious with me, as she should be. I was mad about some of her actions. So I had to let her go, for my own good and for her sanity. We made a mess out of each other in the last year and especially in the last two months. It is a very sad story. I told parts of it already, no point in going over it again.

We broke up. I did. It's time to leave this mess behind. It does not need to be cleaned up now, it's over.

Paradoxically, this changed everything in a way I never expected. A huge mountain of stress and sadness simply evaporated in our lives. I could literally see this happening within a few hours. Now, we are closer to each other than in the last year, maybe even longer.

We are currently split up. And yet something even more huge has changed. I think this time we have a real chance.
Our marriage might heal, but it does not have to. I don't feel compelled to fix it anymore and I think Nicole neither. I would like this to happen but if it doesn't, we'll go separate ways, in peace.

Our lives are entangled anyway because of our daughter. But all the hard feelings are gone, at least for me.

I feel really good.

2015/03/02

Eleven years

So this is it. After eleven years, I am single again. We had ten wonderful years and one troubled one. We tried getting back on course. First I was not ready, then she wasn't, still isn't. I just broke up with the person I love more than anything else (My daughter excluded of course. Alice trumps everything, all the time).

We decided to stop having a relationship for the coming month. Nicole needs to get her life together and this is the only way in which I can help. I trade my happiness for her well being. Love makes you do crazy things.

Nicole might be ready tomorrow. Or in a week or a year. And her decision might change just as quick. She is currently so messed up that there is simply no point in carrying on. I know because I tried. I gave my best but fixing a relationship is not a solo project.

I won't move out, we still live together but without the security or bonds of a relationship. I said goodbye to my old life today. When I return home I will most likely be a different person.

The good thing is that I already learned to adapt to life quickly. That's mainly due to therapy. I am preparing for a more lonely life and I know I will manage. It won't be nice. Reality is a harsh, cold and lonely place. And the universe does not give a shit about what you had to endure.

Nicole, I hope you learn to see a future again. I really want to be a part of it.

2015/02/28

Love

Love will break.
Sometimes it is fixable.
Sometimes it has to be replaced.

We were supposed to take on the world.
-- Avatar,  Torn Apart

2015/02/27

Agony

I'm spent.
I'm done.
Happiness has gone.
My life, a heap of shards.
Cut into pieces no one wants.
The ocean swallows me.
A stone without a shore.

The fire did not burn for me.
So much life in misery.

I drown in tears I cry for her.
I shout out loud and want it gone.
Can't take the agony and misery.

No talks, no life, no end to see.
Old though are taking over me.
Death,my beloved enemy.
One day we will meet and see,
there is no place for me to flee.

Kicked when down and thrown around.
Hurting in this moment, just to see,
I gave my best and yet ain't free.
Demons lurking inside me.
Another bitter tragedy.

Suicidal tendencies. Clean up the mess.
Please crazy diamond shine on me.

Are we all just torn apart?
Kill myself to make everybody pay.

2015/02/23

Betrayal

From all the feelings that I ever felt, betrayal is the hardest to stomach.

I thought things were getting better. Was I naive again? I can't tell.

Nicole still sees him, has daily contact. Thomas Handschuh, a guy I once counted to my best friends, and whom I have never named as one of the sources of my misery, is still trying to botch my life. He just can't get the fuck out of my way and let me try to heal my family. I wanted to have him back as a friend. Not anymore.

I tried to support my wife in every possible way. I understood that she is hurting. But yesterday I figured out she is still in close contact with him. Heck, he was even in my flat. Sees her when she is at shows, goes to her performances at the theater and the party afterwards. While I am at home taking care of our sick daughter.

I have never felt more betrayed than now. Bring on The Great Destroyer.

This time, it's the last chance I am willing to grant to Nicole. I set her an ultimatum to cut ties with him completely. Today. If this doesn't happen,it's over. Simple as that.
I learned I can live without her, but I want her in my life. But not at all costs and not on the pretext of betrayal.



I was over this shit. I did not have hard feelings for anybody. Gave my best to maintain a very positive attitude and outlook for the future. Most of this was destroyed last night.

This time, it were not my own actions that pushed me back to the dark side. I am not to blame.

I am not willing to continue this way. I have no idea what will come out of this. But I will survive.

2015/02/20

My condition: Home, Diagnosis and Bad Habits

Last time I left some questions unanswered. This was mainly due to the fact that I had no answers to them. So I guess it is time for an update on my current situation.

I was couch surfing for a week and stayed with my relatives in Vienna. I also had a lot of talks and phone calls with many friends and family members. I have to say, I know some pretty awesome people. Thank you all for your support, kind words, suggestions and support. Also, let's not forget the evenings with (a bit of) beer and deep, thoughtful discussions.

The next week, Nicole stayed out of the flat and I moved back in. We actually were a lot at home together, to spend time with our daughter. Needless to say, she was extremely confused and did not understand what was going on or why we were not all sleeping at home.
Sleeping in separate locations was rather strange but it helped a lot. It introduced some calm into our relationship which we desperately needed. This, along with the fact that I picked up therapy, eventually led to Nicole stopping her affair and we are now living together again.

I also ditched my first therapist because he literally had no plan and I didn't feel helped.
I now have a kick ass therapist, a truly awesome woman that has the nice mix of a personality of a grandmother and professional therapist.

On top of that, I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Getting this diagnosis was a big relief. Of course, you don't want to have this diagnosis (I hoped it was "only" depression), but in my case it helps me more than most other things.
Once I had the diagnosis I dug through Wikipedia and read everything I could find. The truth is, some 99% of the described symptoms fit my condition. Having the disorder does not bother me much as I can't change reality anyway. Quite the contrary, I can use this knowledge to understand my own mind a lot better. For example, it never crossed my mind that black and white thinking, which I did a lot, could be part of a mental disorder.
I was also lucky to realize that my more positive phases could be part of the problem. Bipolar 2 is hard to diagnose because the hypomanic episodes often go unnoticed. Due to anti depressants, they can be be pushed into manic episodes, which is dangerous, to say the least.

It's a constant battle, I knew that for some time.

However, everything has two sides. I started smoking again (I quit 4 years ago) and will have to take medications for the rest of my life. The relapse after stopping to take mood stabilizers is somewhere around 40 to 50%, which makes it far too risky.
Things at home are sometimes still very tense. Nicole made some very hard emotional decisions and a lot of our relationship got destroyed in the last year. We are still picking up the pieces and trying to get it going again. I don't have my wedding ring back yet and I don't expect to get it anytime soon. But at least I am still married. And still in love, even if that is a bit one sided at the moment. But time can heal many wounds and I am giving my very best to rebuild the trust that my wife lost.

I am still figuring myself out and go to therapy once a week. One of the things I struggled with is the fact that I more or less can't be sure of any decision that I took in the last few years. It bothers me a lot less now but it was difficult in the beginning. I monitor myself a lot more now and am way more aware of my own emotions. Therapy, having a diary and meditation helps a lot with this. It's interesting how such simple tasks as writing a diary can change the way you think about your own life. I wanted to start meditation anyway and now is a good time to do it.

My life is currently very much work in progress, a lot of things are in flux and the future is unsure. But I am confident that the future will be nice. I survived worse stuff.

The tattoo wouldn't stick, my wife bought the chain.
Fun fact: Kurt Cobain suffered from Bipolar II. That makes a lot of sense.

2015/01/28

Poem: Helter Skelter

Your life goes quickly helter skelter
Then you're left without your shelter

A heartless warning left unread
A shitty place inside my head

Whoever this might one day read:
Beware, your demons are a threat

2015/01/22

Checking

Checking. Refresh.
No news. No stress.
Checking. Refresh.
A Poem. Sadness.
Checking. Refresh.
No Trust. Helpless.
Checking. Refresh.
Horrible. Flashback.
Checking. Refresh.
Future. What else?
Checking. Refresh.
Healing. Kindness.
Checking. Refresh.
My life was a mess.

2015/01/21

meredrica, the great Destroyer

I call myself meredrica. I absolutely habe no idea where that name comes from. It sprang to my mind one day and since then, I use it most of the time when I get the chance.

I don't know about phonetic lettering but in German you would say meredrika.
Sometimes I also used the name meredrica destructa, usually when somebody decided that you can't use more than one word for a second name (I never got why that would be needed).

I like that name. It does not have any deeper meaning.
The bywords however, do. I always thought of myself to be capable of destroying everything that I had to. Or everything that managed to push me hard enough. Or everything that I wanted to destroy. It never crossed my mind that I might one day use my special powers against myself.

I should have heeded my own call. Taken my own advice and live in fear of the destructive power that lives inside of me.

In the past few weeks I got a taste of my own medicine. I underestimated myself. I knew I was dangerous but I did not expect myself to be that destructive and scary.

I am now trying to get rid of my own personal superpower. I don't need it, and it sure does not help anybody.
I might keep some of it around so I can use it in a weaponized form in case of emergency (self defense situations). But it can't be such an integral part of my life anymore.

I am totally reconstructing my personality and life. Destruction has no place in this house anymore. Nor does depression.

The future is interesting.

2015/01/20

How I stopped having plans and ruined my future

I have no idea how to begin this post.
Today, I will move out. Out of the home that we built together as a family. The flat that was supposed to be the seed of our future.
I was so fucking stupid I can't even believe it myself. The last year was a complete mess, and I really have nobody else to blame but myself. I don't really know what I was trying to do. Maybe I was just trying to find myself.
What I've found is nothing pretty.
I had depressions all my life and still have. The first time I attempted suicide, I was 14 years old, sitting with a rope around my neck at my bed, in my parents house. I don't remember much before that.
It was a miracle that I got to 16. Back then, I was lucky to meet the right people which helped keep me alive. I was feeling alone and unloved most of the time, until I met somebody that was just as fucked up as me, and we pulled ourselves out of the dirt.
When I was almost 18, I met my future wife. I suddenly had a future. I was afraid that I'd never make it to my 20th birthday. And then it came and went. And I got to 21. I got engaged and married with 22, celebrating my 23rd birthday during our honeymoon.

Forever


We were a happy couple. I had a truckload of problems, tucked away in a dark corner of myself that I rarely visited. That really didn't work so well. I had bursts of anger management problems, suffered from depression and had a very dark outlook for life. I was a pessimist, and it's totally evident when you look at old pictures that I had very bad times.

Look into my eyes and tell me that I'm happy

When we lost our first child, I was totally messed up. I started taking antidepressiva and should have gone to therapy back then. I didn't, because I thought I could make it. After a year or so of taking pills, I grew fed up with myself. My emotions were basically zero, I wasn't depressed, but I never was happy either. It was impossible to feel anything, bad or good. So I stopped taking them.

Fast forward a few years. We bought a flat, renovated it and moved in. It was a tense time, lots of work and my wife told me later that I was treating her extremely hostile. I have to admit that I can't remember being hostile, which makes me sad. I never ever wanted her to feel bad.
Shortly after, our daughter was born. It was, along with our wedding, the best day in my life.
Sure, having kids is anything but easy, but we gave our best and I think we did well.

5 days old. I love you.
Fast forward two years and we had a happy daughter that received more attention and love than anybody else in the universe.
But we forgot about ourselves. I don't know why, but we completely lost our relationship.
I think we got too serious and stopped being childish, stupid and funny for each other. We focused our life completely on our daughter.
And then I fell in love with another woman. I could not help it. I tried, but I could not change my emotions. So, for the first time ever, I decided to be selfish. That was a HUGE mistake, but sadly, it was not the last nor the biggest.
It was a rough time, and I was a stupid idiot. I hurt my wife badly and I knew that I was doing it. I was high most of the year, to be able to cope with things. I had lost the love for my wife.  But we managed to pull through. There was only a very tiny part left that still resonated inside of me, made me make an effort to save our relationship. We went to a therapist and tried to fix our relationship.
He strongly urged me to see a therapist on my own. I wanted to see one at first, but again thought I didn't have to. That was another huge mistake. You need professional help if you have to battle yourself.

Our relationship got better, slowly. Or so I thought.

What I did not realize is that I tried to talk myself out of loving my wife. I have absolutely no idea why I did that. That was the biggest mistake of my life.

I did not believe myself. But she did. She never told me that her love was fading because she did not know how. I just learned today that she actually tried. She wrote blog posts that should have rattled me awake, but I did not read them. Not out of ignorance, but because I trusted in technology to notify me when she posted something. That never happened, and I only checked her blog today. Oh, seriously, fuck me. How stupid was I to trust my future on technology?

My wife fell in love with somebody else. One of my best friends actually. And I helped them in every way that I could.
We broke up on 15th of December, 2014. I was devastated and shocked. In an instant I learned how stupid I was, that I still loved her. I had felt my love coming back before that but was afraid to tell her, because I knew how much she hoped for that. I did not want to hurt her and by doing so, I hurt her even more.
December was a total mess. We broke up and pulled ourselves together literally every other day.
I did things that nobody should ever do, played various mindfuck games and completely wrecked her trust in me. I am disgusted of myself for doing what I did.
I pressured her to decide if she wanted a future with me. I knew that I should not do that, but I could not stop myself. I had already lost the battle with me.

She said no.

On January 2nd, 2015, I tried to commit suicide. After 12 years, I had finally lost the fight against myself. It wasn't a knee jerk reaction there was just no conceivable future that I wanted to live in.
My family stopped me. Thank you all for that. It was a total reset for me.

The fighting at home got more intense after that, my emotions went totally overboard. I did even more shit than before. It was unfair that I had to live like this. After all, that's what I did not want to do.
But at some point, I started to heal. I want to heal now. I am going to therapy, take antidepressiva again, try to fix my life. It's not going to be quick, but I will do it.
This includes me moving out, causing more pain and stress for my wife, who needs rest. I can't fix our partnership without fixing myself. I'm just afraid that it's too late to fix both. She is in love, and I am not the one she loves. This hurts, but I accept it now. It's my own fault.

I finally found myself. But at what cost?

Acrylic and emotions, on canvas.

Nicole I love you. I am so sorry.