2015/01/21

meredrica, the great Destroyer

I call myself meredrica. I absolutely habe no idea where that name comes from. It sprang to my mind one day and since then, I use it most of the time when I get the chance.

I don't know about phonetic lettering but in German you would say meredrika.
Sometimes I also used the name meredrica destructa, usually when somebody decided that you can't use more than one word for a second name (I never got why that would be needed).

I like that name. It does not have any deeper meaning.
The bywords however, do. I always thought of myself to be capable of destroying everything that I had to. Or everything that managed to push me hard enough. Or everything that I wanted to destroy. It never crossed my mind that I might one day use my special powers against myself.

I should have heeded my own call. Taken my own advice and live in fear of the destructive power that lives inside of me.

In the past few weeks I got a taste of my own medicine. I underestimated myself. I knew I was dangerous but I did not expect myself to be that destructive and scary.

I am now trying to get rid of my own personal superpower. I don't need it, and it sure does not help anybody.
I might keep some of it around so I can use it in a weaponized form in case of emergency (self defense situations). But it can't be such an integral part of my life anymore.

I am totally reconstructing my personality and life. Destruction has no place in this house anymore. Nor does depression.

The future is interesting.