What the hell have I done?

I couldn't control myself. I had another emotional breakdown and ruined a lot again. I have no idea if this damage can ever be repaired.
It's the first time that my sickness got me. I hate myself for not thinking longer before speaking. I wasn't myself and let my broken parts cause havoc.

This might have been the biggest mistake ever. I have no idea if this problem is fixable, and I am the only one to blame.

I hate myself right now. I hate my disease. I cause chaos again, in a time where chaos can ruin everything. I messed with our stability. I am stupid and unstable and I did not want all of this.

I have no idea what to do. Life can be a bitch.



Sometimes you find comfort in strange places.
I reached a new low last week and came out faster and stronger than ever before.
Therapy seems to work better than I acknowledged.

I built a safe inside of me. It's an imagination technique that I learned recently. It holds emotions and thoughts that I cannot handle at the moment.
I put a lot of stuff in there. Things about my past. Things I did wrong. Things from the present.

Last Friday I also put my broken heart in there. It is now safely locked away and I can start to move forward.

I made the conscious decision to do that. I will no longer let my love rule over me. I stop that now, before it overshadows everything that I am.

I finally quit love. It's hard but then again it's easier than I thought. I let go. This does not mean that I don't have hope for my marriage, but there was no point in clinging to something so horribly broken.

Nicole was not ready for a new start. I can't blame her. She was furious with me, as she should be. I was mad about some of her actions. So I had to let her go, for my own good and for her sanity. We made a mess out of each other in the last year and especially in the last two months. It is a very sad story. I told parts of it already, no point in going over it again.

We broke up. I did. It's time to leave this mess behind. It does not need to be cleaned up now, it's over.

Paradoxically, this changed everything in a way I never expected. A huge mountain of stress and sadness simply evaporated in our lives. I could literally see this happening within a few hours. Now, we are closer to each other than in the last year, maybe even longer.

We are currently split up. And yet something even more huge has changed. I think this time we have a real chance.
Our marriage might heal, but it does not have to. I don't feel compelled to fix it anymore and I think Nicole neither. I would like this to happen but if it doesn't, we'll go separate ways, in peace.

Our lives are entangled anyway because of our daughter. But all the hard feelings are gone, at least for me.

I feel really good.


Eleven years

So this is it. After eleven years, I am single again. We had ten wonderful years and one troubled one. We tried getting back on course. First I was not ready, then she wasn't, still isn't. I just broke up with the person I love more than anything else (My daughter excluded of course. Alice trumps everything, all the time).

We decided to stop having a relationship for the coming month. Nicole needs to get her life together and this is the only way in which I can help. I trade my happiness for her well being. Love makes you do crazy things.

Nicole might be ready tomorrow. Or in a week or a year. And her decision might change just as quick. She is currently so messed up that there is simply no point in carrying on. I know because I tried. I gave my best but fixing a relationship is not a solo project.

I won't move out, we still live together but without the security or bonds of a relationship. I said goodbye to my old life today. When I return home I will most likely be a different person.

The good thing is that I already learned to adapt to life quickly. That's mainly due to therapy. I am preparing for a more lonely life and I know I will manage. It won't be nice. Reality is a harsh, cold and lonely place. And the universe does not give a shit about what you had to endure.

Nicole, I hope you learn to see a future again. I really want to be a part of it.